The Q Awards - Soft Target, I Know...
November 1st 2006 00:30
But seriously - what the hell is wrong with Q? PM realises that it's nothing more than a read-on-the-tube-nice-shirt-young-man-substitute-for-those-who-are-too-old-for-NME-too-many-hyphens-load-of-old-dad-rock-bollocks rag fit for nothing more than using in conjunction with a lovely old mug for getting rid of spiders or clearing up cat shit, but this is just a complete insult to those with conical brass receivers for ears. Look at this old cacky maffed-up chundering bollyhocks:
Best New Act - Corinne Bailey Rae (Try and name more than one song by her)
Best Track - 'Crazy' by Gnarls Barkley (Hmm, fair enough...)
Best Video - 'When You Were Young' by The Killers (What? Bon Jovi got an award?)
Inspiration Award - A-ha (Inspired who, exactly? A1?)
Outstanding Contribution to Music - Smokey Robinson (Intense stare...)
Groundbreaker Award - Primal Scream (Ah yes, the subtle art of abandoning twee roots to take advantage of an obvious drug culture.)
Icon Award - Jeff Lynne (No-one else wanted to come to the ceremony?)
Idol Award - Take That (Good, ten years after that one mattered...)
Outstanding Performance - Faithless (Performing live at a venue near you! What? Not any more? Oh...)
Innovation in Sound - U2's The Edge (Yes, an innovation. In 1986.)
Classic Songwriter - Noel Gallagher (Thank God McCartney finally got an award.)
Lifetime Achievement Award - Peter Gabriel (Well, Hitler made mistakes too, didn't he?)
Merit Award - Manic Street Preachers (Solo careers not going too well?)
Classic Song - 'Karma Chameleon' (No arguments here, actually.)
Best Live Act - Muse (Haven't they won this each time since about 1989?)
Best Album - Whatever People Say I Am That's What I'm Not by Arctic Monkeys (Are you sure, Q?)
The People's Choice Award - Arctic Monkeys (Well, people are stupid nowadays.)
Best Act In The World Today - Oasis (Thank God The Beatles finally got an award.)
Legend Award - The Who (New album selling OK? Need a boost?)
The Q Award of Awards - U2 (Q, you make me want to vomit on your children's faces and toys.)
What does any of this mean? It's nothing more than slapping the backs of those whose backs are already red-raw with the eager spanks of the music press. These people do not deserve any support. Why is Q not promoting ANYTHING on an independent label, save the Arctic Monkeys? Why is Q pandering to the taste of its audience merely so they can all look at eachother and go '...knew it would be them'? Why has Q constructed about six awards that mean exactly the same thing? Why is Q advocating the charms of Satan himself, Peter Gabriel? Peter Cacking Gabriel?!
Gah, PM is usually quite immune to this sort of pointing out the obvious and childish ranting, but this is surely a step too far. No pictures or links today, I'm too pissed off with Q Magazine. According to their website, it's 'The World's Greatest Music Magazine'! Fuck You, Q! You are misinformed and guided by the smell of the NME's semen emanating from the arse of Johnny Borrell! PM wants you dead!
Best New Act - Corinne Bailey Rae (Try and name more than one song by her)
Best Track - 'Crazy' by Gnarls Barkley (Hmm, fair enough...)
Best Video - 'When You Were Young' by The Killers (What? Bon Jovi got an award?)
Inspiration Award - A-ha (Inspired who, exactly? A1?)
Outstanding Contribution to Music - Smokey Robinson (Intense stare...)
Groundbreaker Award - Primal Scream (Ah yes, the subtle art of abandoning twee roots to take advantage of an obvious drug culture.)
Icon Award - Jeff Lynne (No-one else wanted to come to the ceremony?)
Idol Award - Take That (Good, ten years after that one mattered...)
Outstanding Performance - Faithless (Performing live at a venue near you! What? Not any more? Oh...)
Innovation in Sound - U2's The Edge (Yes, an innovation. In 1986.)
Classic Songwriter - Noel Gallagher (Thank God McCartney finally got an award.)
Lifetime Achievement Award - Peter Gabriel (Well, Hitler made mistakes too, didn't he?)
Merit Award - Manic Street Preachers (Solo careers not going too well?)
Classic Song - 'Karma Chameleon' (No arguments here, actually.)
Best Live Act - Muse (Haven't they won this each time since about 1989?)
Best Album - Whatever People Say I Am That's What I'm Not by Arctic Monkeys (Are you sure, Q?)
The People's Choice Award - Arctic Monkeys (Well, people are stupid nowadays.)
Best Act In The World Today - Oasis (Thank God The Beatles finally got an award.)
Legend Award - The Who (New album selling OK? Need a boost?)
The Q Award of Awards - U2 (Q, you make me want to vomit on your children's faces and toys.)
What does any of this mean? It's nothing more than slapping the backs of those whose backs are already red-raw with the eager spanks of the music press. These people do not deserve any support. Why is Q not promoting ANYTHING on an independent label, save the Arctic Monkeys? Why is Q pandering to the taste of its audience merely so they can all look at eachother and go '...knew it would be them'? Why has Q constructed about six awards that mean exactly the same thing? Why is Q advocating the charms of Satan himself, Peter Gabriel? Peter Cacking Gabriel?!
Gah, PM is usually quite immune to this sort of pointing out the obvious and childish ranting, but this is surely a step too far. No pictures or links today, I'm too pissed off with Q Magazine. According to their website, it's 'The World's Greatest Music Magazine'! Fuck You, Q! You are misinformed and guided by the smell of the NME's semen emanating from the arse of Johnny Borrell! PM wants you dead!
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